It's often been the first impression I get of a gig. Sometimes I only realize we've done a particular gig/venue before, when I recognize the karzi.
Back-stage bogs are more than a place to crap. They are a mecca for inappropriate behaviour. It's where junkies, crack-heads, cokeheads, doggers & pikers go to do their thing. It's a spiritual void, sanctuary for the naughty.
Of course today I am a very, very responsible character. I only use the gent's for socially acceptable unspeakable acts, but I'm often aware that demons are lurking nearby...
Festival season is an interesting time for bog-heads, as we can see toilets at the very limits of what is acceptable to humans.
_____________________________________________________
This one was at Tromso Festival in Norway.
It was bad. I held my breath for the whole length of a wee.
I remember unlocking the door, gasping fresh air and seeing a stunningly beautiful Scandinavian girl, stood waiting to use the cubicle.
As she faced me, I was going to say something cool, but I decided on an embarrassed look instead.
I hate these portaloos so much. There's nothing that I can find to say which is positive about them, apart from the flusher, which looks like the hand brake from a Mini Metro._____________________________________________________
I remember this one well. -Electric Gardens in Kent. -A stately feel, a better class of bog. This is a party karzi. It was designed to get loaded in. I particularly liked the lighting. This one gets five stars.
From the same festival: A decent locking door, essential for all dodgy behaviour.
Shame about the bog roll on the floor.________________________________________________________
Whilst backstage at Loch Lomand Festival in Scotland, I took this picture of a well known bass player weeing.
This is also in Scotland. It's a shit business.
Thank you for reading my research. It has been a hugely rewarding exercise for me.
51 comments:
From one toilet fanatic to another all I can say is BRAVO.
I would write about toilets EVERY day if I thought anyone would read it. Really, every day -- that's how great an impact they have on my life.
I even went to the extreme of having my *dream* toilet built during recent home renovations. The entire room is make of doors (left over from demolition in other places in the house). Even the ceiling is made of doors. It's my "inny outy" room.
Great, great blog.
I'm particularly impressed with what I like to call "strafing" (as in aerial combat) which appears like a trail of brown gunshot wounds at a height of 3 to 5 feet suspended along a horizon from one wall, across the back of the toilet, and continues unthwarted to the other wall, sometimes completing the loop across the door through which you have just entered. As if someone stepped inside with a machine gun and went "rat-a-tat-tat."
I had a shitty day and this blog made me happy. And it's good to see that Supergrass are house-trained.
Kate's dream bathroom sounds fuckin awesome. Do all those doors lock?
This blog was great! By the looks of it from all the crapper photos, you must have had the idea for this blog in the back of your mind for some time now.
The worst is using the portapotty at night, especially for a girl. Some of those damn things have no lights inside... such as the time during one frigid October night when I had to use one.
I was wearing a ridiculously long, but warm scarf, so when I got inside the portapotty to find no light except the tiny bit of moonlight coming through the vent, I freaked. I must have been in that thing for 10 minutes trying to figure out where the hell the toilet paper was and making sure my scarf didn't land in anything obscene. It was a hellish 10 minutes.
Gosh, porta potties are a frickin' nightmare. I well understand the grasp, but it's just not enough. My thighs are weak, so I have to brace myself against the wall to enable a successful hover. There's no way you can even dream of sitting on of those even if they hadn't run out of paper 3 hours earlier.
I was interested in the bog with all the mud traipsed in. While those sorts of trails are always unpleasant, they seem extra vomitous when in a toilet cubicle. I hate muddy toilets!
Thanks Rob. This blog is a perfect addition to my as yet unfinished query into the disappointing bathroom etiquette we've all witnessed.
Fascinating: recognition through loo identification ... .
Used to inspect every loo in the restaurants we ate while on holiday. I was especially fond of those with the 'lights, reflectors and receptors'-flushing mechanism. Could lose myself into it and had to be drawn to the food by my dad more times than I'll ever dare to admit.
Coming back on subject: 'Lowlands' toilets differ: the regular ones can be extremely dirty (though they've improved last few years. The 'press & guests'-toilets are cleaned regularly, but sometimes they hastily forget to dry them properly. So you land on a wet, cold and sticky ring.
At 'Parkpop'the backstage toilets can be divided in two categories: the 'guests' and the 'Artists'. While the latter are quite clean, those of the guests aren't as neat as you might expect backstage, but even worse is that you have to pay for them!
The 'artist' toilets can only be used when in possesion of an all access pass, which usually only bands and crew get.
Been backstage in 'Melkweg' several times, but never had the honor of stepping up to the 'porcelain throne'up there (or back there, depending on the hall you play).
Hahaha: the verification ends with 'WC'!!
I couldn't understand my second sentence, but I now realised I meant to say "gasp". I was, in what I believed to be a dreadful hurry, which soon turned out not to be the case while staying with our loitering friends who think it's a good idea to model dresses and deal with an ongoing ant problem when we're supposed to be leaving.
In keeping with the blog subject, I will add that there was no toilet paper most of the time (until my friend stole some from the local community centre) which made things somewhat uncomfortable. Our friends aren't degenerates, but rather they live in a small town where the shops close at 7pm, and add that they are far too absent minded to remember TP on no less than FOUR trips to the shops. Since they took 2-3 hours to cook any given meal there wasn't as much waste to deal with, if you catch my drift.
It's good to be back in the City of Angels(oft Toilet Paper)
I was in the VIP area of this crappy festival in LA and the porta potties were horrendous. I had a bad pee day where I had to go a lot so it sucked. After we went out among the crowd, I found that they were all using a permanent, flushable toilet block, and the "VIP" people were being severely punished for being friends of bands and contest winners.
Worse toilets:
1. During an international Scouts camp in Apeldoorn, Holland I atteneed some time before I got kicked out because of severe misbehaviour, we had a thing we called a 'Hudo': a big hole in the ground, with a horizontal wooden bar to lean over with your bottom and a small pole to avoid tumbling backwards.
After doing your thing, you took a small shovel and threw a bit of sand over your production output.
One night someone had put the little pole 'alive', so when a guy came in sleepy, he ended up in the crap with the pole.
2. The truckers café along the main road from Cairo to the 'Bahariya' oasis. Especially the ladies, which can be smeeled on entrance. Even if the lights do work you're lucky to even be able to find the French toilet in the halo's of flies.
3. French toilet in Varanasi, India. Couldn't get up and tried to find any grip by grabbing the door. Few moments later my girlfriend saw to Japanese girls running out gigling, as the door catapulted open and I came tumbling out with my pants down.
4. In a mountain village in Morocco I was laughed at by the whole male population of a restaurant, when I asked for napkins i order to wipe myself. this was so devastating, that since then I've improved my 'local habits' technique, using the ever present tap and waterbowl.
What a shitty subject by the way ...
Production output!
Simones bad pee day has intrigued me.
I've had bad guts days, bad nose days, & bad ass days, but never bad pee days. yet.
Thanks underground for exposing yourself in such a vunerable way. It's very endearing, & I'm sure the Japanese girls thought so too.
I went out for dinner this evening. It was the second time I went to The Modern -- last time was after a crappy corporate party and I had had quite a lot to drink. For no reason that I can explain, I decided (on that occassion) that I would pee standing up -- face forward, probably because there was a mirror behind the loo and I thought, "Hey, only the men get to use that" (it is a unisex toilet). I was successful.
Tonight, on my return trip, not inebriated at all, I decided to try it again.
I was inordinately proud of standing up and peeing (for a second time -- and not in the woods, but into a functioning (very well kept) toilet), so I stuck my tongue out at myself in the mirror as I did it. It beats hovering and looking at the floor.
I love underground's stories! I'm trying to picture forward peeing Kate, but I can't. More details, please (esp. any gory ones).
Simone, you've never known a bad pee day till you're 9 months pregnant and have a 10 pound baby sitting on your bladder. (Gory details available upon request.)
I can't belive that I am writing this, but here you go (I hope it is cheery for you).
Stand facing the toilet (just ever so slightly aside the front of the basin -- but be careful not to touch it) with your skirt hiked. Grab your knickers, in the "gusset" from behind and yank them backwards (so that you don't urinate into your undies).
Release.
Wipe.
Grin.
Repeat as necessary.
(I can teach you how to pee in a sink if you like -- useful if you are in a dorm room with only one loo for the entire corridor, but a sink in your room. As was the case in my time in the Olde Country Uni.)
Damn not being able to edit these things. "Aside" should read "astride".
I'll explain a bad pee day, but I fear it may shatter and grand illusions you may have of it. It merely refers to days where I can't stop peeing (well, just enough so I don't wet my pants).
On Friday we drove up to San Francisco from LA and I didn't have to pee for the entire 6 hour journey. That would be a good pee day. Other times, I'll go at one truck stop and just about be beginning to pull over on the side of the road before you've reached the next freeway exit. That's a bad pee day.
And no amount of planning with reduced caffeine and fluid intake seems to have any effect, rendering bad pee days completely unexpected and unmanageable.
Here are some pictures from a bad pee day. I had to delve into some discreet public urination. As I busied myself with this, I didn't realise my "best friend" and assistant in this operation was snapping at me.
http://picasaweb.google.com/tikidoll/BadPeeDay?authkey=QD2W9Fs0m84
Simone, I think that many of us have suffered from intermittent broke peeper syndrome (ibps). You are not alone. The urgent need to urinate is an underestimated torture.
Wow, Kate. I was just boasting the weekend about when I stood and peed (successfully) when I was four in kindergarten. There were no partians in the toilets and noticed the boys standing. I asked if I could stand and the teacher said no, but I did it anyway.
I commend you for trying it again so recently. I've been sitting on my stand-and-pee laurels for far too long.
Steph, I'm sure I'll just have to wear a nappy from the second the stick I pee on says "Pregnant".
I have bad pee day every day. Even the doctor can't tell where the smell and discoloring comes from. Or do I miss something here ...?
few years back a Dutch woman sort of invented the 'pee aid' for women, made of cardboard. You fold it and stick it through your zipper and into your undie to make it serve like a small gutter.
Works great and @ 'Lowlands 2004' there was a stall promoting it: an urinoir solely meant for girls to try it. Much amusement and when I walked past I saw a Radio-deejay with a mobile transmitter creeping up two girl from behind and 'surprise' them with an interview.
I think the Stadium Pal is extra funny and gross, but even more grody is the Stadium Gal:
http://www.stadiumpal.com/
ps - Simone, you're right -it's weird how as soon as the stick says 'pregnant' it's a 9 month long pee frenzy. Made worse as it goes on by a baby squashing your innards
Oh underground, I always wanted to try one of those pee funnels. My sister went to that festival the year after my pee debacle and I read in the Melbourne paper that they had those (not that one would have helped me anyway). I was very excited and asked her if she used one and she said she didn't have to pee the whole day!
Also undergound (may we call you 'undie' during this blog?) 'bad pee day' was merely referring to urgency. I'm concerned about your smell and discolouration. Do you eat asparagus every day? One time I had to answer some questions about myself and for 'favourite smell' I put "My pee after I've eaten asparagus." Actually, it's jasmine.
Just kidding on the 'Bad Pee Day' ofcourse, though it's still a smelly bussiness occasionally. Especially after eating asian foods!!
'Undie' is okay for this topic only, hahaha.
Those pee funnels are copyrighted and patented already and made on industrial scale. Can be bought in several 'Boots'-like chains in Holland and on the internet: www.p-mate.com.
Using it, is like learning to ice-skate: hard at first, but easy once you get hold of the technique. And some never ever learn!!
Simone I understand your bad pee days. I have had them too. Some days I will be just fine even with a decent amount of drinks and others it's just terrible. I find it worse in the cold weather though. I get cold very easily and as soon as that chill sets in my piss mode comes on.
Stephanie I checked out that Stadium Pal site. That's just foul! The idea of pissing in your pants brings me back to those days of 1st grade when all the students pissed their pants at least once. Not a memory I would want to relive. However, I did like the testimonials/bathroom stories sections with people using phrases like "let loose".
'Stadium Pals' ain't new. I see them daily @ my job with people with physical handicaps due to postnatal brain damage.
But it's an idea to clear a closet there, when it comes to festival season.
*needs to think of a good pee story*
It's funny how everyone seemed to latch onto the pee topic rather than telling stories about drugs or dirty bad sex in backstage bathrooms. You'd think that would be more intriguing. Only in a party karzi though -you don't wanna be doing that in a portapotty, that's just kind of wrong.
O.K. steph, i'll get the ball rolling....
I was once filmed having (____) whilst wasted, in the toilet on a transatlantic flight.
prize for the answer wot i like the best.
That would be a cigarette sir!
is it Monkeysex?
My guess is 'a fag' - using the U.S. definition of fag, because that makes it more interesting.
Here's my submission: "Rob was once filmed, while wasted on a transatlantic flight, while partaking of the sweet, slow, blood-calming waftings of the gods".
Of course, if we test the limits of "prize for the answer I like the best" one could argue that the answer need have no basis in fact at all (but rather be something that you might like), in which case, my answer would be (just hazarding a guess, you understand), "Rob was once filmed, while wasted, on a transatlantic flight, while being pleasured by a flotilla of cavorting nyphettes, each with vices more luscious than the last, and a taste for the sensual that exceeded his greatest expectations".
And with that, I am off to bed. Hard day at work ahead of me tomorrow. Can't stay up too late.
I'll opt for 'a whizz'. I know it's a cigarette, as that picture showed up two years back ofcourse.
The oldest toilet, to return to the primary subject, was an 18th century poo-box. A wooden box with a hole in it's lid.
Came with the house a friend of mine squatted 20 years ago. Was situated behind the house in a small garden. After removing some plants, you could sit down and enjoy the plants and animals in the bewildered garden, while doing additional work on the foundations.
One time a beetle (thought it was an earwig) decided to have a taste on my bottom. Not too pleasant.
Rob I think you should keep adding in quick trivia questions throughout your blogs. Makes for a good debate.
Here's a charming old toilet.
http://eheritage.statelibrary.tas.gov.au/dbimages/FHR_00028_1_w.jpg
But underground, did you at least do a couple lines off that 18th-century wooden lid or anything?
I do like this contest element, it's compelling.
Sorry Steph, my English isn't that brilliant I'm afraid... .
As for the competition: I just enter the following:
"the irrepressible urge to do a service round with a waterproof, Industrial vacüumcleaner around the watercloset during a horrendous case of turbulence, while standing on one foot wearing lederhosen"
Underground, I think your English is quite brilliant, and so is your idea of what Rob was having in the airplane toilet!
I read something on the news today about luxury lederhosen in Austria. Lederhosen are funny all wby themselves, and extra funny when they're luxury!
(It doesn't take a whole lot to entertain me)
"Luxury lederhosen"?? Goldplated zippers? Solar powered Airco?? (Can be quite convenient after a night filled with bratwurst und beer!)
Was Rob practising rollerskating on that vid?? Or performing acrobatics using a skippyball?? Stiltwalking???
Undie, you did it my boy. You won.
I can't go on forever as a keyboard player in Supergrass. I want you to take over. It's all yours. & Grandpa George & the whole family can come too.
Love
Robbly Wonka.
Nice post....and on the day I heard Hilly Krystal snuffed it - very apt.
Still onto important things, and send a big Get well to Mickey after his accident. Fingers crossed for him.
Oh my God , lately i've been a festival with toilettes similar to the first , from Norwey :°D ... i've laughter from many times after to have used the flush ... i still remeber FFFFFFFFF (the sound of useless water spray )the curiosity has pushed me to enter in this strange "bathroom"... i'm very obsessed , generally , from "toilet situation" .. i'm really paranoic O.o .. when I know of having to pass a long day outside, I drink
how much more little it 's possible for escape encounter with strangers baths ... ya,i'm foolish ¬_¬
Can I just say that I miss Rob's postings and I wish he weren't too busy to blog.
I second your comment Stephanie!
I actually had to use a porta-potty twice today while at the Brimfield flea market. Amazing place to go by the way, incase anyone wants anything out of the ordinary. I believe it's the largest flea market in the world or so they say.
Anyways as I headed up to the first porta-potty a bunch of guys had just finished cleaning them out. They sprayed down the entire thing inside, it was fucking sopping wet and yet it still smelled. My pants ended up getting all wet. It really sucked!
The second porta-potty probably was the best one I had ever been in. Although it could've been because it was located in a spot which was hidden away from the hoardes of people. The seat was suprisingly super clean and it smelled like someone had a cinnamon candle burning in there for a week.
Don't get me wrong it still was quite hard to bring myself to use it, but at least I didn't have to smell someone's festering shit in the bowl like so many other times.
It was 'Open Monuments Day' in Holland today, so I took the opportunity to visit a consultancy office, which is housed in a 17th century toll house.
Was great to be back, as it was squatted 20 years ago and someone run a coffeshop in it. I bought my first Afghan there.
Never knew there were toilets aboard, so I took the opportunity.
Nothing special, just the ordinairy office thing: clean but somehow still blessed with that slightly rancid atmosphere. Plus a door that wouldn't open. Ofcourse!
Pissed off the cleaning lady last thursday, when I had to loo while swimming with clients: she just finished cleaning and had hardly left the room, when I sneaked in and plunged some aromatic residue into the bowl. Spreading my famous 'Channel No2'.
C'mon Bob, blog us some more.
robsbig bog splat
Probably putting his crap somewhere, I presume.
underground said he thinks his overzealous commenting scared you off. i had thought the same thing about my zeal! so which is it? hope it was just simone or kate who were being scary. actually, it probably was.
Well Steph, as the new single will be issued as dark brown vinyl, I'm afraid we might have been a bit too inspirational in a way!
GodDAMN, I miss Rob's blogging!
Will the blog ever come back?
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