It's not my intention to make light of drunks. They are our brothers & sisters, and the phrase "There but for the grace of God..." springs to mind.
Maybe that's why I'm quite fascinated by drunken behaviour. Maybe it's not necessarily good or bad, but just a different perspective. I have to admit though; I do sometimes find it phucking amusing.
About 15 years ago, or it could have been last week; I was walking to the bus stop along the High St. in Oxford. I'd just finished a 12-hour shift at 'Oddbins' off-license.
As I passed a side street, an old drunken bloke clutching a can of Trampagne (Tenants Super Strength Lager) emerged.
He had long white stubble on his face & a confused, wild look in his eyes. He was wearing a pair of light grey slacks -the type commonly found in rubbish skips. The inner-side of his trouser legs was a much darker shade of grey than the outer-side, converging at the darkest point around his crotch. It looked like a big, dark, upside-down letter U.
My look of mild amusement involuntarily turned to disgust as I realized that this man had either urinated very recently or perhaps was still urinating. I couldn't help my brow from furrowing & my nose from wrinkling as we passed on the pavement.
Suddenly he stumbled towards me so I could smell the ammonia & alcohol soaking into him. His face seemed to take a swing at me & I caught a close up glimpse of his tooth & pitted nose.
"NEVER BE ASHAMED!" He slurred aggressively at me. "Never be ashamed." He repeated, maybe to himself this time.
This world-weary (wise?) old man's words have stuck in my head.
Did he mean; "Never be ashamed and you can live life as I do"?
Or did he mean; "Never be ashamed or you'll end up like me"?
Or maybe he was just quacking in anger. -I once saw a drunken bloke shouting at a car. It came to a head when the man pulled a large fish from inside his coat & started thwacking it on the windscreen
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About Me
- Rob
- Life's pretty sweet mostly. I spend my days stoked, doing really gnarly shit. Sometimes shit gets really, really gnarly & I've scored some sick wipeouts, but I just get back on my board, & do something really gnarly.
41 comments:
There was an old man of similar description in my local the other day, except he had not yet relieved himself in his clothing. He was singing loudly at the top of his lungs, as is often the case with ancient inebriated gentlemen, which caused the landlord to eject him into the street. Unbeknownst to my housemate and I, he staggered up the road past our house, where our other housemate spotted him from the living room window, leaning against the neighbours picket fence, wetting himself. (The drunk man, not our housemate.) He even rang us to describe the situation to us and ask what he should do, to which we both replied, very loudly, "Cameron, do NOT let him in the house, for the love of God!"
On another note, did you know that in the old days, everytime you heard someone punch or slap someone else on screen - the sound effect was created by slapping a wet fish? Or so I have been led to believe...
The success of Monty Python is based on the fact that it shows good old british society at its peak: drunkenly slapping fish on windscreens!
Life back then sure was interesting, eh!
I wish I could say something smarmy about Captain Pissy Pantalons because that's my way, but I was drunk and dancing like an idiot this past weekend so it might be best if I keep my yapper shut.
(I think I may have wished you luck with the recording a tad too soon since I have a feeling it hasn't commenced yet. Nothing like off-the-mark good lucking.)
As I quit drinking 14 years ago, I constantly watrch drunk behaviour when going out.
One guy in our town has quite a humourous side, which scares other people off. He once made trumpet-noises during a gig, so the band stopped pl;aying, placed an extra mike on stage and invited him to play along with them, which he did to our amusement.
Another occasion some people went home laten in early summer (Around 5:30 am, sunday morning). While talking they heard 'good morning'. Despite looking around quite extensively, no one was to be found. The continued walking, when they heard the same 'Good morning' again.
This time they spotted him, swimming stark naked in the canal they were walking along.
Unfortunately he's in a fast downward spiral nowadays, because he's too harmless to defend even himself. But what a great guy he occasionally still is.
I am laughing. so hard. I'm probably going to get in trouble. (Cause I'm at work. I don't think I'd get in trouble if I was reading this at home)
Pee pee whiffs from drunken blokes (or women) are revolting!
Maybe the comment 'NEVER BE ASHAMED' refers to him watching (as I did last night) 'Snakes on a Plane'. TERRIBLE movie but I'm not ashamed of telling you I actually watched it.
When I was about 15 years old while on vacation with my family some drunken man came up to my father to bum a ciggie off him. So as my father gives him the ciggarette ready to walk away, the man puts his arm around my dad and proceeds to tell him how much he looks like Bill Clinton, which is the furthest thing from the truth. Then the guy kept following us down the road, shouting things like "Bill Clinton is a good man". I don't know if it always pays to be nice.
Sometimes just make the best of it.
In 97 I stepped on a dead snake in Portugal. A very drunk guy immediately congratulated me, totally missing the clear imprints of tire-tracks on the animal and invited us to join the party at his camping-pitch.
Which turned out very great!
What I actually said was "Ne Verbe Ash Ahmed"
It's from a speech given by Tiberious, Roman Emperor A.D. 14-37.
Roughly translated it means "Let he who has never pissed himself, offer his underwear for inspection"
There are drunk people all over Toronto. As it is quite hilarious at times, it's probably the worst when they sit beside you on the subway or cable car.
Also, I'm told I'm the best drunk.. but I never remember these things of course.
When I lived in Toronto, I lived behind the infamous Club O.V. and since I was on the fifth floor, I had a bird's eye view of all the crazy wanks who would fight each other every Saturday night after last call.
Rach, I think "Never be ashamed" referred to not being ashamed of peeing on yourself, and frankly I'd be less ashamed of that than having watched Snakes on a Plane.
The story I'm about to tell I'm not sure comes from drunk or crazy, but it fits in, so I'll tell it. Also, I'm under extreme pressure by the management team to be hilarious, so I am sweating bullets as I type.
I was visiting San Francisco from Australia when I was 19 and merrily walking in dodgy neighbourhoods late at night with a male a female friend. Then a homeless crazy/drunk guy walked along with us and said to Mike "Man, you're lucky to have two bitches walking with you!" and we had some long joke about "gay" so I said "He's gay." and then I forget what he said maybe something about him taking us, but then I told him Heather and I were gay too. And then he said:
Homeless Man: I loooove pussy!
Me: I looooove pussy too! (because I'm telling him I'm gay)
HM: I luuuuurve pussy!
Me: I LUUUUUUUURRRRRRRVEEEE PUSSY!
HM: I LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRVVVVVEEEEEEE PUSSY!
Me: I LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRVEEEEEEEEEEE PUSSY!
HM: I love pussy so much I could eat your pussy til your uterus falls out!
Me: ...
THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!
-Simone plays her trump card again.
Thanks for all the wonderful comments.
Pee pee whiff will stay with me from now on.
Way to trump absolutely everyone, Simone. How can we compete with that? I hope you kept your uterus away from that man. PS - Let's walk merrily in dodgy neighborhoods late at night when I'm in LA next month, yeah?
I'm actually afraid to post anymore after that. I'm pretty sure that's the most interesting thing that's ever happened to me.
...so I say "YES!" to walking around in dodgy LA neighbourhoods so we can litter blog comments for years to come (if we survive).
I did a house swap with a friend in Japan some years ago.
Ginger and I were hanging out and the phone rang. There is a man. A Japanese man. A Japanese man we don't know. He is saying:
"Big pennies"
"Biiiiiig pennnnieees"
"BiiiiiiGGGG Pennies"
And then we realize he is trying to make a dirty call and laugh until we drop.
He, unlike Rob's guy, was ashamed and hung up. If only he had stuck to it, he could have hours more of making us laugh.
I remember being drunk once, in school, wasn't big nor clever, but kinda funny now I look back on it, but kinda cringeworthy at the same time due to the fact my form tutor had to drive me home and I puked all over her car. Suffice to say she used our hose to clean it. I guess it's the least we could do, let her use it. Rob I've namechecked you on my blog, good luck with the new Supergrass album.
Hahaha Kate's post made me remember another encounter of the drunken kind.
My friend and I were attempting to catch a taxi on the way home from a night out, and we noticed a foreign-sounding man stood at a cashpoint, gesticulating wildly and uttering the words "Sheeeeet, sheeeeet, sheeeeet!" over and over.
Upon closer inspection, the machine appeared to have swallowed his card. Suddenly, possibly brought on by his incessant flapping, a pigeon pooped on him from above...
"SHEEEEEEET! SHEEEEEET!"
Kate's story made me remember the time a drunk guy in downtown Seattle de-pantsed himself and showed passersby his big penny. I saw police swarm around him a little bit later, I guess someone told on him.
Nice story Steph. However, I think 'de-trousered' would have been even funnier than 'de-pantsed'.
Why don't our fun loving American friends say trousers? It's such a great word.
Was it something that happened on the Mayflower? Did the pilgrims run out of trousers? Or was the word 'trousers' outlawed for being dangerously funny?
My life-long quest for the truth, tonight leads me to this mystery.
See, I think 'pants' is funnier than 'trousers.' Must be the continental divide.
Yesterday someone asked me to DJ their wedding and I'm thinking of making my DJ name DJ Big Pennies.
Down with pants! Tee hee. That could be perceived as funny in the UK but I doubt our American counterparts would see the joke. It's a shame that there is nothing naughty/funny about the word "pants" in the States... those poor people miss out on the chance to utter "PANTS!" loudly whenever anything goes wrong, because they're such a utilitarian item of clothing. It's just not the same when it equates to shouting "Frock!" Ooh. Frock. Love that word too.
Yeah DJ Big Pennies!
(I don't want to gang up on you, but Keira takes photos of bands, & she might put dark shading around my crotch if I don't agree with her).
Pants is a much funnier word when used the English way. -As the last refuge from a bare bottom. Which furthermore, is funnier than "a bare butt"
(Is it obvious that I'm procrastinating?)
Concerning peeing and pants, I can remember one time I was walking a dog with a friend, when we ran into someone we knew.
After a few minutes chat, this person's face suddenly turned into disgust and we all started looking down. The dog just took a whizz at his trouserlegs and shoes.
This happened just a few weeks before I was getting back from school by train, when this old, smelly man went to sit opposite of me and some young girl.
He clearly lost track of the world around him and uttered and mumbled to himself in quite a bizarre, fragmented way. The overall smell of piss was way too present to neglect. His pants got several shades around his croitch, his hair wild, his moustache and beard discoloured and filled with snots and remains of what must have been meals, tobacco, vomit and lesser to distinct substances.
The station before I had to get off, this guy, who looked as if he was into his 70's stood up and (literally) dripped out of the carriage.
The girl next to me cried out loudly, as I saw a dark coloured drop of pee slowly run across the couch from where the old man just sat.
Underground your post is grotesquely vivid. I also cried out loudly at the end of your story too. This makes me think of the old man that used to go to the local library.
About a year ago I would go to the library every week to get books for school, since I was never keen on buying books for classes. Call me cheap, but at least they are free. Anyways every time I'd go, I would notice this foul smell of piss. I also noticed this crazy looking old man, who would sit at a computer and rather than use it, he would just stare at everybody.
Well after a few times of going the library I put two and two together, and realized the strong piss smell was coming from this old man. It got to the point where I had to stop going because the smell just made me want to gag. I couldn't even fathom working there. Those poor people must have had that urine smell festering in their nostrils after they left.
I recently have gone back a few times, and haven't seen the piss man around. One can only wonder where he and his piss ridden self went.
In Portland last night around 1 am we passed a guy (surely drunk) peeing on a building and he turned around and said proudly "I'm peeing on the Masons' lodge." I said "Rob Coombes would be proud." He didn't know what I was talking about, but all the better.
Peeing while being drunk: I once turned up skinny-dipping in a swimming pool at a home of nurses-in-the-being. In no time the pool swarmed with 17 year old girls trying to catch some interesting sights of me and a friend, who happened to swim there naked as well.
Don't know who came up with the idea, but we ended up chasing young nurses while trying to pee all over them.
Trying to wee over nurses, ranks above peeing on masons, but is still way below farting in doorways, in my league table of immoral deeds.
I'm a bit late on the Trousers vs. Pants conversation..
I'll start saying trousers just for you guys, hopefully it'll catch on.
On my table of immoral deeds, peeing on nurses is substantially worse than farting in doorways.
Underground, you sound like a hysterically fun drunk. Just don't try to pee on me and we're cool.
Someone once changed the name of my song Hearts Survive to Farts Survive. While she shall remain nameless, she did unknowingly make a good point because some farts really do survive - especially in the car - for a longgggg time. Just ask my girlfriend. She's the one with the repulsed look on her face and her hand made into a fist.
Steph: I am guessing that *trying* to pee on a nurse is ranked lower than succeeding to pee on a nurse**.
Just a guess though. Who knows what other people's fucked-up moral tables contain?
**standard nursing situations (i.e. hospitalization) do not apply. In those situations -- micturate on.
Aaron, whoever changed your song title to Farts Survive sounds like she deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. She is also probably very virtuous, kind, and beautiful, and definitely *not* a Canadian.
Rob: does farting in elevators, planes, trains, busses and subways just before leaving count as well??
Steph: I could be quite mad, when drunk. But those were the days, as I quit alcohol years ago. Since then I discovered it isn't necessary to be drunk orintoxicated in order to pursue my personal spree of madness, as some people learnt the hard way ;-)
Did you hear they discovered a new earth-like planet. This coincides nicely with Rob's birthday. -Coincidence?
I'm trying to avoid all the work I have to do. My references are piling up like dogs on a dropped hamburger.
I too am late on the pants/trouser debate. I have to say, I think 'de-pantsed' sounds funnier than 'de-trousered'. 'De-trousered' is just too cumbersome to be as funny. I must admit some bias, however as just two or three weeks ago while in Australia, a British colony, my sister said something about 'trousers' and I laughed and pointed at her and declared her a gaylord. A few days later I said 'blouse' instead of top, and she really let me have it back.
Following on from urine on seats, my husband once did a show opening for this guy Extreme Elvis. He was an Elvis impersonator who took off his clothes during his set, poured curdled milk on himself and pissed and shit on stage. It was horrible. He was actually a nice guy except when he was in character. Anyway, at this show, which I avoided and hid backstage for, I heard that he had shit and was mortified to see him return backstage, naked with poop all over his ass! He then sat on one of the chairs as he was. I nearly DIED! My friend's friend's band was doing a show there the following week, so I drew a map to notify them of the offending chair. We've been back to that venue twice since and I am always terrified about coming into contact with "the chair".
I also forgot to mention that Extreme Elvis' penis was no more than in inch long and disappeared entirely into his scrotum when it was cold.
Happy Birthday Rob!!
Hope you have a great day.
xxx ^_^
joyeux anniversaire!
feliz cumpleaños!
feliĉan naskiĝtagon!
I recently made drunken state of myself, and I think thats a wonderful thing, because when you drink beer, well so many that you can't remember how many? Definitley 7 - some one ran along and tackled all the plastic chairs at once, including a dineing room chair placed for someone who felt like sitting down, outside.
(the musics always to loud)
There also was a Picnic table, but because so many gatherings are held at this hospitable place (the occupants who I am framiendly with), its on a almost 90 degree lean.
So the dineing room chair was broken also, and soon after some few of the others decided to take to it and finish it off. I spotted what they were doing with great distaste and said something along off "Thats pathetic" - or somesuch, picked the chair up and threw it at the ground - I was quite proud that it smashed to smitherines and I was also quite proud that no chunks came and hit me in the head - which I was half expecting anyway.
Later at a rather abrupt journey down and back to McBurger Queen, I announced to the party host (who I know)that the chair was broken and its been well plastered and smeared into his lawn. Don't worry about it he cried (slapping a hand to his forehead and rubbing it down his moosh) I'll fix sometime with the glue hammer and saw.
Half an hour later he turned to me (amoungst numerous paired up play fights of the guests) and half informed/questioned me "Who broke the chair"?
My punishement next time was to chop up fire wood in his garage. No matter I thought, your parties are crap anyway. My next goal is the picnic table.
It's been a long time since ther'es been any drunk myspacing or blogging going on. I was just at a party and Eon came on in the middle of the playlist and I can't put to words how the music made me feel. So i want to say thanks. Thank you, thank you.
that was me with the fish
its an old technique to get the flesh off the bones normally using a carriage but a car does just fine
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