I just got home from shopping, & the England v Croatia game isn't on T.V.
So instead, because I'm weird, I'm writing a list of the things I do, that help keep me sane, when I do my weekly shop.
1) The ratio of kids to parents should be no more than 2:1.
2) I Look for a parking space near the trolley park, not the shop entrance, since that's my first & last stop.
3) I like to leave something conspicuously visible (like a pineapple or a large box of condoms) on my trolley, so I can easily identify/find it.
4) I avoid any physical contact with shoppers carrying bags lined with tin foil.
5) I try to avoid small talk with people who approach me when I'm choosing apples. -They are usually bananas.
6) I don't try and steal stuff (anymore), tin foil lined bag or not -It's naughty.
7) I don't let my son push the trolley. He thinks everything with wheels is meant to be crashed into something.
8) I avoid over-friendly checkout staff.
8 & a half) I avoid overtly insane checkout staff.
9) I choose a checkout where young bachelors are queuing. Even if it's longer than the others. It's often quicker, I don't know why.
10) Someone please take over. I'm running out of ideas & I've started to weep uncontrollably.
Why do my kids think it's so funny when I pretend to cry?
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I always wear headphones so no one talks to me in the supermarket. It don't have my iPod switched on though. If I play music I often forget items off my list as I am easily distracted.
-I pick the checkouts where fat people stand in queue to unload their overloaded trolleys. (few others choose that queue, but do not realize it's the actual payment that is time consuming).
-I stole a marble from a broken net once and still feel guilty about it, I never steel marbles again.
-I too wear headphones, but that is not sufficient when I run into my neighbour, so my fake moustache never stays at home.
-If any employee approaches me, I start a sneezing spray in advance. I'll approach them if I have any questions.
-Annoying kids leave the supermarket with trolley wheel marks anywhere.
-I weigh my vegetables before putting them in a bag (I'm Dutch).
-Picking the checkout with one of the bigger female checkout staff ('some girls are bigger than others' a wise man once said) also makes shopping more pleasant.
eheh
probably because they dont think to all things that think you :P .Effectively I did not have never reflected on how much is annoying to make shopping,maybe because the greater part of the times I accompany my parents, then i'm like your kids,and when i'm alone, this makes to feel me big .. probably, in future, I will feel myself like you but for now i'm a kid in a big shop.
i wear headphones with loud heavy metal music playing so that 1.i have my unstoppable head on and 2.i cant hear all the crazy adverts they play over the loud speakers
i think i must change form somehow when i shop
people definatly give me strange looks
the pick and mix must be tested for poison every trip...i do it for the children
Wow Robster, someone's a bit anal about their shopping procedure! (You said you had a lot of nicknames and I just thought of that) Though, I'm actually impressed about the forsight about parking near the trolley area. Here and in Australia, the trolleys are near the entrance to the supermarket, so it is only after unloading said groceries into the car am I pushing it far to the nearest trolley bay.
I've become friendly with an employee at my local supermarket, but now I have to stop and talk to him and hug him all the time and I always want to get out of there as quickly as possible. All because I brought him a hat back from Australia once after he asked for one.
We mostly shop without a list and just go because we are out of food. I hate those wandering aimlessly trips and I often sit in the car and refuse to participate.
In terms of getting out quickly, being a former teenage check-out chick, I can say if speed is your goal, choose the line with less transactions. If you see three people with a handful of things in the express line or two people with a basketful each, it's usually quicker to get behind the baskets. The scanning is relatively quick, but it's the payment that takes long. If they pull out a card in the express line, it's all over. But when it comes to full trolleys, run and don't look back. When anyone pulled up with one of those, I wanted to slit my wrists.
Of course if there's a call for a price check, all bets are off.
To keep myself sane at the grocery store I
- go alone. The ratio of kids to parents should actually be no greater than 0:1. This is the number one rule. Since it’s often not possible, I go prepared to buy random shit that the kids will inevitably ask for
- find the shopping carts that have big pretend trucks attached for the kids to ride in, and belt them in tightly (they love to escape)
- keep an eye out for my children’s arms sticking out of the cart trying to knock everything off the shelves in a scythe-type fashion
- try to not get my feelings hurt by passersby giving me disapproving looks for buying pretty much whatever the kids ask for (I’m just trying to survive in the store, people)
- pick a checkout lane that doesn’t have candy so the kids can’t grab it and then pitch a fit when I deny them such
- if my significant other is along I prepare my argument for buying organic and fair-trade, which he is prone to balk at
- let significant other man the cart and speed though the store with the shopping list while I talk to random people milling about (he doesn’t understand my capacity for talking to anyone and everyone – including my propensity for leaving comments at perfect strangers' blogs)
I am still SO ashamed of my previous outpouring/unnecessary revelations -- so while I have an answer, I am thinking it in my head.
to avoid all of the above, i shop online. the ocado men are all very friendly but not in a creepy way.
My mates tried to pick me up and chuck me in the freezer in Netto once!
Thanks for the superb ideas.
I'm going to add 'writing a list' to my list,
and all those checkout tips are priceless.
Anal?....Moi?
Kate,
I try to never be ashamed of my embarrassing outpourings/uneccesary revelations.
I've almost convinced myself it's art.
-An art form of which we are both at the cutting edge.
Creativity is risky. -Go on, post it!
I've worked at a supermarket before, and I am a cashier for a farm that sells mostly all their own produce and plants, so I have to advise you on picking a checkout line where there are no old ladies. Actually make that women in general.
I have also found that the transaction is by far the longest part, and women love to get rid of their change which can sometimes take forever and a day.
Not to sound like a complete jerk, but if you want to avoid small talk, stay clear of the elderly. I find that a lot of widowed old people, love to chat up a storm. They'll tell me about when they worked on a farm or how corn used to be 10 cents an ear.
Poor souls, sometimes I have to sort of ignore them... or otherwise if I act like I am interested it will encourage them to keep going on and on.
Ah, happy memories. Back then corn was 10 cents an ear y'know...those were the days...we'd pay them a dime & still have enough change for a drive in movie & the tram fare home...
Oh, & Stephorama,
If it weren't for your propensity, this blog may not exist.
The smash hit,-'I owe you nothing' by 80's heart-throbs 'Bros', tells us...
"Even my friends were strangers before I met them"
That's deep.
O.K. my bad, I got the wrong 'Bros' song.
"I owe you nothing" goes like this...
"I watched you crumble,
Like a very old wall..."
See for yourself-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uoTf2GfnUI
And yes, I am bored today.
Cold shivers down my spine...
In primary school I did a playback version of a different song from this 'band'. It was on a school trip, I did it to impress the girls. But when my mother told my father (kids, never trust your mom to keep a secret from your dad), he asked me if I was sure I didn't do it for the boys...
Well, thanks for bringing this trauma back to life Rob. It is a good thing that you also offer a virtual confessional here aswell.
Great, so I'm crumbling like a wall instead of becoming friends with strangers.
ha ha
Costa's story reminds me of when our class sang Pour Some Sugar On Me for the 5th grade recital. We were so excited about it but when it came time to perform we got shy and sat there meekly singing it, each of us holding a lyric sheet.
Why our teacher let us sing that in 5th grade I'll never know. In retrospect, she was pretty awesome.
[I will try not to be afeared.]
I don't know that band, but they are very bad. Please, Rob, please tell me that you aren't leaking the new SG sound to us like this…
(I am at work, so I watched the feed with the sound down to begin with and because it is so pixilated, the big jackets (and heartfelt gestures) reminded me of Martin Kemp in his Spandau Ballet days. Yes, the same Martin Kemp who became Steve Owen, on Eastenders, which we get here in the States -- although we are three or four years behind so DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING -- on a Saturday night and to which I am addicted. Damn! I just went and googled "Steve Owen" and now I know too much. Damn, damn, damn. Crap telly is so great. Good telly is better, you understand, but there is something so…comforting about really mundane English telly.)
Anyway, shopping. The thing I have discovered recently is that a small frozen margarita right before you go shopping is *excellent* for your mood/ability to deal with fluorescent light. There's a great place in Park Slope (my old neighborhood) that serves frozen margaritas -- not too far from "South Paw", where you played a while back; although it was probably a bit cold for frozen girlie drinks at that time of year. It's useful because there is a great little "market" a couple of blocks away, so you can go to the "Santa Fe" restaurant and read your book (currently "Tales of Ordinary Madness") at the bar while sipping your dink and then trundle down the road to "Union Market" to do your shopping. People in grocery stores are SO much nicer if they are a little "fuzzed". Why, you might (or might not) ask am I doing my grocery shopping in a neighborhood in which I no longer reside? Well, to put it bluntly, it's CLEAN; it’s very, very clean (and the produce is FRESH; very, very fresh). In my new neighborhood, the supermarkets are smelly. Sadly, I said this to a journalist who was interviewing us for a piece he was doing on the influx of new people (yuppies?) to "Victorian Flatbush". Naively I blabbed about my limited experience shopping for groceries in the neighborhood. [I am mouthy and opinionated in real life. I know you can't tell this from these limited posts.] As soon as I realized what I had said, I told him that he COULD NOT quote me, but that weekend, there is was in black and white, complete with my name…but, you know, it is true, the store around the corner smells faintly of rotting meat and badly-washed floors. There are some not-so-smelly stores, but they are a couple of subway stops away and overpriced and there is no nice bar nearby. But no matter, back to how to stay sane as you shop.
--have a drink (not too much, or you won't be effective and you want to be effective so that you don't have to go shopping very often)
--leave the kids at home (or should that be the other way around?)
--go someplace not too well lit, but very, very clean
--if the music is an abomination and is going to make you buy less, ask them to change it (just this week I had "I'm fixing a hole, where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering…where it will go…" running through my head after I had been shopping and it was very pleasant and I considered the experience a success)
--if you are too chicken to ask them to change the music (like me), then wear headphones (as previously suggested) or don't go shopping. Bad music should be outlawed.
--don't shop anywhere where you are forced to listen to adverts. It is bad for you (constitutionally).
--buy more than you need, so that you don't have to go shopping very often.
--buy naughty things you want as well as all the things you need, so that it doesn't feel as much like a chore/duty
--try to colour code your shopping; if you have a goal, you will remain invested and interested ("today, I am going to look for red, shiny things")
--pretend you are foreign and your English (insert your native language) isn't your first language. People will leave you alone after a couple of rounds of gibberish.
--look very, very spaced out if you are availing yourself of a five-fingered discount (if you are over 25 and still doing this, get a real job -- it turns out it ISN'T revolutionary and your AREN'T sticking it to the man; believe me, "the man" ain't hurtin' none)
--don't forget toilet paper; your cousin may think newspaper is okay, but it isn't
--don’t forget coffee, it is one of the seven elixirs of life
--don't forget bread and butter
--every so often, go someplace that has things you would not ordinarily buy, it widens your scope and refocuses you on what you like
--if you have to take them with you, don't worry what other people think about your kids. (I have two WONDERFUL dogs, who turn into maniacs when we pass other dogs on the street and I know (because I have seen an episode of "The Dog Whisperer") that all those people looking at me are thinking that I have no leadership skills and that my dogs don't respect me as the head of the pack and they are full of horse pucky.) People don't know crap about how you live your life and they don't know about the terrible power your children wield over you. The best I ever heard was at a check-out counter and it went like this:
KID (very loud): Mummy, I want some sweeties
MUMMY (in a hushed voice): No, darling, put that back
KID: (louder): but MUMMY, I want some sweeties
MUMMY (still quiet): Maybe next time…
KID (YELLING): Mummy, if you don't let me have some sweeties, I am going to tell grandma that I saw you licking Daddy's willy this morning.
I kid you not.
i don't like to go to supermaket,there's usually so many people there.Of course my mother often go there but not me.
PS:do you see the message i send for you by Myspace? I can't login there now...
Oooh! Bros! That was like the second CD my sister and I ever got. The first was Bananarama's 'WOW' album. Let's not confuse 'CD' with 'album'. My first album was 'Colour By Numbers' by Culture Club some four years earlier.
I fished out the Bros hits for my iPod and I knew I was missing one! "I Owe You Nothing" was it! I had "Drop The Boy" and "When Will I Be Famous". How was it that us girls managed to decide that Luke was the hot one and Matt wasn't when they were identical twins?
Thanks Rob. I owe you something. (ooo-woah)
Correction. Matt was the hot one. I just looked it up.
Correction Overruled!
This court finds them guilty of lyrical damage & crimes against the synthesizer.
I sentence them to twenty years public ridicule
Objection!
I make a motion to appeal the sentence.
My client has clearly moved on and deserves another chance.
I submit exhibit B. into evidence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNXyEX3JWqQ
This clearly shows my client's musical prowess and also a potential to be a master of the written word.
And I would also like to remind the court once again that my client was "the hot one" and have scores of character witnesses who will testify to the fact.
I appreciate that your client's conscience alone, must be a considerable burden for him.
And I will, in sentencing, take into account, the fact that your client was mouth-wateringly sexy.
What say you, the members of the jury?....
.....Where have they all gone?
Perhaps those 16 million records 'worldwide' were all in the UK and Australia, thus spanning the globe, but leaving the rest of your regulars without an opinion on the fate of Mr Matt Goss.
I'm currently a checkout girl and over friendly staff even scare me.
Over friendly customers scare me too. Beware the little old ladies with change purses.
If there's a price check call, go to another line.
That's all I got.
PS- Trolley park! <3
PPS- Simone, I thought of a name too.. Robski.
Speaking of supermarkets, I've always had a slight distaste for them. I love the fact you can buy food there, of course, but it's the staff (some of them) which kinda irk me. The comments about what I've bought are what really annoy me. Being a shy person, I don't want to be singled out in that way. If I've stayed up all night working, I'll go down to the grocery store to get something to eat in the morning. "You're going to eat PIZZA and COKE for BREAKFAST?!" and it's like, no, you clown, not everyone's on the same slumber schedule as you are.
Another thing which I'm not a fan of is the fact you're like an open book - gastronomically speaking - at the grocery store. You buy some frozen burritos and you just happen to need some toilet paper so you get that as well and put both on the belt - on display for everyone to see. Needless to say, people know EXACTLY what you're going to be up to for the next 3 days. One day consuming and two days paying for it.
As a juror I will only say that "trouser sniffing" is better than "mouth wateringly."
Yeah, Hands up.
I did edit the 'trouser-sniffing' comment. But I can't edit, once someone else has commented, so now, it must stay as is.
Generalissimo Gastro.- I think, every shopping transaction should contain at least one item specifically to shock the checkout staff.
Yours
Robski the Robster
Al/Evening Rooster, I too hated over friendly customers. Once this man, just after I got my first pair of black rimmed glasses, said "Oh! You've got new glasses!" and I had no idea who he was. It's kinda like being a rockstar where complete strangers know things about you. It's just not as fun as being a rockstar, but almost. Less pressure to keep your scan rate up than coming up with good new material.
Aaron, you may be a little paranoid about putting your burrito and TP together. I did think it was funny when a guy would buy some dingers because I thought "Oh! He's going to get some tonight!" but it was probably more novel since I wasn't getting any at the time.
There was a large woman who would buy about 5 boxes of 'De Gas' which was a product to prevent gas. Anyway, I was always worried she'd let off while I served her.
In high school I worked at an ice cream store and dirty old men were constantly telling me to smile. One day I'd had enough and when the next person told me to smile I lied and said my grandma had just died. He apologized about ten times and felt so bad that he came back half an hour later and apologized again. Then *I* started to feel bad. I didn't fess up though.
/end rambling story
Oh stephanotis, that's an awesome sorry. People who go around telling people to smile should feel bad. I don't go around telling happy people to frown because the world is in disarray. They should fuck off.
I also hate when people come up to you while you are working and smuggly say "Are you having fun yet?" as they walk by. What kind of brain dead comment is that to make? And the same people say it over and over again like it's such a witty remark. It especially annoys me when I WAS having fun on the computer or whatever until shit for brains came up to me, said that and depressed me.
I wish I had the balls to say "I was until you said that." I'm too nice, believe it or not.
Simone: If encouragement helps, I hereby ENTHUSIASTICALLY (but without either smiling or asking you to) encourage you to tell these "smile, it could be worse" etc. morons to shut the fu** up. Or, with a little (tight) smile, say EXACTLY what you proposed.
They are annoying in the extreme. Whatever happened to a nuanced response to the world? Or allowing people to respond without pressure?
In response to people talking about annoying customers who say things that really piss them off, what really gets my goat is... when a customer catches me yawing.
They say something stupid like..Oh no I didn't just see you yawn, now did I?
What the F**k is there a new law against yawning at work!
stephanotis, I work at an ice cream/frozen yogurt store too and dirty old men have never told me to smile yet
but what's there to smile about? it's work! and not the fun kind of course
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